Searching for My Better Whole: When 1/2 Just Won’t Do

Love is a funny thing. We say things, like he’s my better-half, not really knowing what that means. To love half of a person is great undertaking. Most of us learn to love half people because it takes a lot to be whole. You’re saying that you’ll be the other half that their missing. Honestly, that doesn’t sound like a bad thing. But to love a whole person, is so much greater.

I loved you whole again. I saw something in you that I was missing. I’d lived my life overwhelmed and anxious. When you have the potential to be something great, and it’s bottled inside of daily routine and monotony, you tend to feel lonely. You tend to miss out on the joy of being whole. It’s almost as though you’re too full. But then I met you. You seemed to be missing everything of which I had too much. So I poured it into you. I gave you all that was too much for me to handle. All of the love that I didn’t know what to do with, I gave it to you. And in turn, you showed me who I really was. The parts of me that I hated, you loved, which in turn made me love them too. I loved them because they were enough for you. The whole me, was enough for you.

We try to find parts of ourselves in other people. We try to shape them into the beings that we wish we were. In turn, we make them feel as though they aren’t enough. When they don’t give us what we need, we search for it in things. We surround our lives with clutter. We make ourselves busy. We pretend to be happy, when we’re just going through the motions trying to make the world think that we’re perfect. Some of us even search for it in other people. But we find other people who are also missing things and end up being co-dependent. We love them because we need them instead of needing them because we love them.

I loved you before I knew you. Something about you drew me to you. You felt like home. Lingering hugs and fleeting conversations about nothing. But all of it made me feel closer to you. Closer to the person I didn’t really know. Closer to the person, just like me. My twin soul, my soul mate, my better whole, if you will. Out of all the men I’ve loved, you make sense. You remind me why it never worked with anyone else. It wasn’t supposed to. I’m actually glad it didn’t. 

We search for the perfection that we lack in other people. They let us down every time. Until we’re able to truly love ourselves, we’ll never truly know what love is. We’ll never understand what it means to have someone especially for us. We’ll look for our soul mates in soulless people. We’ll end up hurt every time. We’ll  hurt other people. But when we become whole, finding the one for us will be easy. We’ll spot them from a mile away. We’ll no longer have to figure out if it will work, because it just will.

Everything you thought you were missing, will be clear as day. You’ll see them and all of a sudden, your world makes sense. Love makes sense because you’re no longer looking for your better-half, because sometimes half just won’t do.

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This is How You Love Him: When You’ve Met Your Soulmate

Love is a simple thing. Many would argue with me and say that it’s supposed to be complicated. But I disagree.

“Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, It does not boast, It is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves.” 1 Corinthians 4-7

Love is patient:

They say that good things come to those who wait. Well love is the best gift. When you love someone, sometimes you have to wait because you never know what may be on the path ahead. Don’t rush. Just let things fall as they may.

Love is kind:

It’s the feeling that you get when someone does something for you just because. It’s the feeling you have after spending Sunday dinner with family and ending the night on the front porch drinking lemonade and eating homemade butter cookies.

It does not envy:

Sometimes it does. Sometimes it’s envious of the things that should come second nature.

Imagine, being in love with someone but you’re not allowed to say. Love is a compromise. It is the feeling of certainty when they walk into a room. It is the feeling of peace that comes over you after a long day, when you thought you were angry. It’s the doubt that leaves, when they put you in your place.

Have you ever met your rib?

If you have to think about it, you haven’t.

Your rib is the missing piece of you. It’s the part of you that all makes sense. Imagine feeling emotions that don’t belong to you, or sharing thoughts without even knowing it.

Do you remember that time you hurt your leg? She felt it. She couldn’t figure out why it hurt so bad. Her mom told her, “They’re just growing pains. They’ll go away soon.”

Love is growing pains. It is realizing that you spent your entire life searching for someone who was with you all along. It is being hurt that you had to go through so much heartache and that he had to endure it too.

It does not boast, It isn’t proud:

Love should never make you feel inadequate. It isn’t proud. But if you must, be proud of each other. Be proud that out of all the girls in the world, he chose you.

But what does it mean to be chosen? What does it mean to belong to someone? I wish I knew the answer to that. But once you meet the one, there’s no question. You’re proud of the person they’ve become. You’re proud that you endured all of that pain that led you to him.

It does not dishonor others:

People see you and can only think of good things. They don’t see you for your falls, only the times you’ve risen, because they far outweigh your downs.

Love is self-explanatory. It has the ability to stand on it’s own when questioned. It’s that person who says, “Oh, I could see it in your eyes,” or the person who says, “I love ya’lls spirit. There’s something that shines when you two walk into a room.” It’s people knowing that you belong together before he grabs your hand or puts his arm around your waist or kisses you on your forehead as he walks by.

Love is everything you ever dreamt of wrapped up in the prayers of your mother that you’ll find someone who loves you after years of giving love to those who didn’t deserve it.

If you’ve ever doubted it, you may be still searching. But don’t stop, it’s just over the horizon. If you ever give up hope, just remember that love always hopes, it always preserves.

If you wonder why no one has ever loved you for you, realize that God only shows your heart to the one who is supposed to protect it. Love always protects. He can’t protect something he can’t see.

So just hold on, because when it’s all said and done, This is How You Love Him…

Your soulmate, that is!

Goodnight.

“Get Out,” Interracial Relationships and Hypnosis.

Opening weekend, I went to see the most anticipated film of the year, so far, “Get Out.” Bae and I went to see the matinee in Midtown. I figured that there would be a pretty mixed crowd and I would have a pretty decent viewing experience. That couldn’t have been more accurate.

If you haven’t seen this movie yet, you should probably stop reading right now. There will be plenty of spoilers.

Initially, I was worried. I knew that it was a “horror” film. I typically love horror films. Jump-scares actually make me laugh. But this was different. So by all means, call it what you want, but this was definitely a psychological thriller for many different reasons.

There were a few jump-scares, but for the most part, “Get Out” made you think. It made you wonder about your deepest fears. It asked you your fears, and then placed them directly in front of you and told you not to move for the remainder of the film.

Let’s talk about the hypnosis for a minute. Many people view hypnosis as a way of letting someone inside their mind. That’s not too far from the truth. A quick bing search will define hypnosis as “the induction of a state of consciousness in which a person apparently loses the power of voluntary action and is highly responsive to suggestion or direction. Its use in therapy, typically to recover suppressed memories or to allow modification of behavior by suggestion, has been revived but is still controversial.”

In the movie, hypnosis plays a very important part of the plot. The mother is a psychiatrist who helps people deal with issues. Upon Chris’s arrival, she offered to help rid him of his smoking habit. She promised that hypnosis would do the trick. His girlfriend responded by saying that not everyone likes their heads to be messed with.

Chris becomes suspicious. His first night, her mother convinced him to come and join her in the den. While doing this, she began to ask him questions related to the death of his mother. These questions brought back memories that he had previously suppressed. This memory of his mother would ultimately cause him to make decisions that he probably wouldn’t have made otherwise.

Chris begins to notice that the only other black people in the neighborhood are strange. He tries to communicate with them all at different times. Each time, he gets nowhere. There is no mental connection at all. He seems to feel alone in all of this. His girlfriend begins to side with him and tells him that she’s sorry for bringing them there and that maybe her parents are racist.

To me, the hypnosis represents the media’s ability to make us believe whatever they want. They place images into our minds and allow us to create alternate realities almost. The same goes for slavery. When slaves were brought to America from Africa, they were told that they were stupid because they didn’t speak American’s native tongue. Because many African’s didn’t know any better, they accepted that as true. Harriet Tubman said that she could have saved more slaves, if only they knew that they were slaves. By keeping slaves in the dark, they could not reach their full potential. It hindered their growth on so many levels. But they needed us for their labor. The things that they were unable to do, they forced Africans to do it because they typically produced things more effectively and efficiently.In a world where people believe everything they hear, hypnosis wouldn’t seem too far fetched.

This brings us to the belief that African Americans are often idolized by others who don’t quite understand our culture. This movie takes things a bit farther. The white members of the community actually bid on Chris. This bid will determine who he belongs to. Once they complete the purchase, Chris is subdued and forced into the basement of the house. While here, he watches a video where his buyer explains to him exactly what will occur.

The girlfriend’s father , who is a neurosurgeon would ultimately remove about 75% of Chris’s brain and replace it with 75% of the buyer’s brain. This will allow the buyer, the ability to function as Chris. The 25% of Chris’s brain that would be left is the tiny part that still remains. If he were to ever come to and leave the state of hypnosis, he would remember who he was  long enough to hate the idea that someone had stolen his identity but was evil enough to keep him aware. His buyer was blind and Chris had an eye for photography that the buyer didn’t have. There have been many instances and talks about organ harvesting in the U.S., particularly of African Americans. It would’ve been too much for him to just simply steal Chris’s eyes for him to see, he wanted to be him. This takes organ harvesting to an entirely different level. Not only did the white people in this community want to be like African Americans, they went the extra mile to become them.

Jordan Peele played on the fear of black men dating outside of their race. People make jokes about black men dating white women and they make fun of the fact that white women often have a history of causing black men to get into trouble, specifically with the law. But while people are joking, this is a legitimate fear.

Close to the end of the movie, Rose (Chris’s girlfriend), is sitting on the bed looking online for her next victim, specifically basketball players. I remember growing up with all boy cousins. Most of them were athletes. We also went to a majority white high school. There was always the fear in the back of my mind that one of them would get involved with a white girl and she would end his athletic career, by claiming rape or because her parents simply didn’t approve of the relationship. Though this fear was often unmerited, the fear was there all the same. Peele showed us things that we never actually wanted to talk about.

Something that stood out about this movie to me, was the scientific way that the community went about stealing the bodies of African Americans. I instatntly thougth of the movie, “The Skeleton Key.” This movie is based in New Orleans and focuses on Hoodoo. They go a spiritual route in stealing bodies of people that are more valuable than their own. To compare these movies, allows someone to realize the difference in the way African Americans think. Many African Americans grow up believing in their spirituality. They spend time nurturing that side of them. In a quest to live forever, the characters in “The Skeleton Key” uses spells and rituals to steal the bodies of others. While the characters in “Get Out” used science and brain surgery to do the same thing.

If I had to describe this film in three phrases, it would be, Stay Woke, Pay Attention, and Get Out.

With all of the symbolism in the movie, I believe that Peele left the movie open for interpretation. This is only my opinion. What are your thoughts?

 

 

For The Girl Who Wants to be out of Her Feelings and in a Relationship…

You’ll fall in love, a lot, place them on pedestals, and give them all of you with nothing to show for it. They won’t return the favor. You’ll cherish the company, but hate the lack of attention. You’ll wish you were single. You’ll pray that they get it right. They won’t.

You’ll compare those men to your father. They’ll never meet his standards. You’ll realize that it’s almost impossible to do so. You’ll lower your standards. Every guy who approaches you after this fact will act accordingly. They’ll tell you that they love you. You’ll believe them. They’ll leave you for someone less  likely to love them. After all, you’re the first girl to ever love them completely. You’ll offer to help them become the best them. They won’t care enough to let you.

You’ll get your heartbroken and finally give in to reality, falling in love with whoever you want. You won’t let the rest of the world dictate who you love. You’ll love them unconditionally. They’ll be your best friend. You’ll fall on hard times. It’ll be too much for them to handle. They’ll break up with you before your one-year anniversary. You’ll cry. They’ll find someone else. You’re left to pick up the pieces. They’ll continue to want to be your friend. It will be hard and damn near impossible.

You’ll try the newest dating apps, POF and BAE. You’ll meet your cousin. You’ll have about three conversations before you realize you’re related. He’ll be upset. He’ll like you anyway. He’ll say, “It’s not like we’re first cousins.” You’ll tell him this isn’t Mississippi. You’ll stop calling and answering. He’ll get upset. You refuse to be kissing cousins. He doesn’t care. You’ll wonder how things would have turned out had he not been your cousin. You refuse to give your children a reason to be handicap. He seems to not care. You distance yourself from him. He calls you three months later. You’ve met someone new, a potential boyfriend maybe. He backs off.

You start to receive phone calls from that ex in college who still won’t admit to cheating on you back then. He’ll say he misses you. You miss him too. You invite him over. You spend the weekend together. He asks when you will get back together He leaves. You keep in touch. A month later, there’s a Facebook post. He’s having a baby. You wonder when it will happen for you.

You start to believe that you’re the stepping stone for men who want to get married. You show men how to love. You show them what it’s like to be loved by a woman who isn’t afraid of the word. They take what they learned and let it work for their next relationship. They’ll ask you to be a part of their wedding. You’ll be angry, but you do it. You spend the entire wedding happy for him until you see the way he looks at his bride as she walks down the aisle. You try to remember the last time someone looked at you like that. It hasn’t happened, yet. You shed a tear. People around you think they’re happy tears. Your best friend knows the truth. She says, “I thought you were over him.” You thought you were too. You’ll sit through the rest of the wedding. You’ll go to the reception. You go out with the new couple afterwards. You go home, alone.

You’ll join a single’s group. You’ll meet someone. He’s already in love with someone. You wonder why even be in a single’s group if you’re not really single. You X him out of potential suitors. You spend Valentine’s day at a single’s mixer with ten women and three men. One of the men doesn’t even like women. You have fun. You go to the movies and see “How to Be Single.” You go home, alone.

You spend the next few months reading love stories, talking to friends that are in relationships. You live vicariously through them. You fall in love wit the idea of being in love. You wonder when your chance will come. Everyone you went to school with is getting married or having kids. You want the same.

You’ll meet someone. He’ll become your friend. He’ll tell you everything you want to hear. He’ll spend his days getting to know you. He’ll tell you things he hasn’t shared with anyone else. You’ll spend hours on the phone getting to know each other. He’ll cure your insomnia. Conversations will turn into speechless conversations and you’ll feel like a fifteen year old all over again. Your anxiety tells you that this is too good to be true. It’ll tell you that this is only temporary. He’ll find someone who he likes better than you. But that day never comes. He only has eyes for you. He’ll put those anxieties to rest and make sure that you know he isn’t going anywhere. You aren’t going anywhere. He’ll be the manifestation of everything you’ve ever prayed for. He’ll come wrapped in a different package. He won’t be your type. But types keep people single. Your type never worked out before. This will be a good thing.

You’ll remember the days when you were just a girl who wanted to be out of her feelings and in a relationship. None of that will matter anymore. You’ll walk down the aisle to your favorite song, to your favorite man. He’ll love you for life. The only time you’ll be in your feelings is because he put your there, in a good way.

For Scott Mescudi, Other black men who suffer, and the ones that didn’t make it.

I know that it’s difficult and that sometimes it’s hard to find the words to say how you feel. I know that when you finally get the courage, it’s hard to find someone who will listen. You should never be ashamed of your truth. Get help when you need it. If not for anyone else, do it for you.

It’s hard to focus on your mental health when the world only focuses on your gifts and talents. It’s hard to wake up, put on a cape, and be a hero, when you don’t feel like getting out of bed in the morning.

If you don’t feel like getting out of bed this morning, Don’t! The world will not collapse on the account of you missing a day.

If you don’t feel like talking to anyone today, Don’t! Put your phone on Do Not Disturb mode, place it inside of a box. Don’t open it until you’re okay. Do something that makes you smile. Do something that no one else knows you enjoy and do it alone! Spend time focusing on you.

If you don’t feel like going to work today, Don’t! Call in sick. Tell them that you need the day off. Take a mental health break. Let someone else do your job for the day. You deserve it.

Stop taking care of everyone else for once. From now on, do what makes you happy. Do what satisfies you. Do the very thing that brings you peace.

You’re forced to look out for yourselves in a world that doesn’t care whether you make it home or not. But we need you to make it home. We need you to be okay. When you’re not okay, we’re not okay.

I’m sorry that no one noticed your sadness. Oftentimes we’re too busy dealing with our own issues, our own depressions, our own grievances.

We’ve all lived lies. We’ve all kept secrets that we didn’t want people to know. No one wants the world to see our scars. We cover scars in hopes that no one will notice. Then those scars turn into phantom aches begging for our attention again. But those scars make us strong. They don’t make us weak. When we develop a wound, it heals itself. That self-healing mechanism causes our skin to grow back tougher and more capable of enduring a stronger force that may hurt more next time.

There is strength in acknowledging that you need help. I pray that you get all the help you need. I pray that you do nothing else without, first, taking care of you. I pray that you’re able to find your peace.

Find peace in knowing that we’re here for you. We’re standing in the gap where you feel that you fall short. We want you to be okay, we need you to be okay. We need you here. For the ones who didn’t make it, we need you to survive. We need you to overcome the stereotypes. Depression is killing us faster than old age, faster than natural causes, faster than racist cops on the street.

I know that there’s a lot to make you depressed. There’s a lot for you to be anxious about. There’s a lot to make you think. But the next time you’re sad think about all of the things that make you smile. Think about tomorrow. Today may be bad. But tomorrow will be better. If you’re not here to see it, you’ll never know.

So, for me, for us, for all of the people rooting for you, for all of the ones who didn’t make it, let’s make it through the day. Make it through tomorrow. Let today be a test. Let the nighttime bring you rest. The sun will be brighter in the morning.

We love you!

Sincerely,

A Queen who suffers, but made it!